Ranking every song from the Hatchetverse for fun

What better way to celebrate the return or Paul Matthews, the guy who arguable does not enjoy any sort of musical number, than to rank every song that I've come across since 2018.

A quick and simple list, going from worst to best; With just a few thoughts added in to either provide some context, or to just gush about them for a bit. However, before I begin, just a few general notes regarding this list:

First, it's certainly subjective and reflective of what I find enjoyment in while listening to musical theatre. I'm pretty sure that people will both agree and disagree with some of my takes and that's fine.

Second, even if this list is from 'worst' to 'best', I still find enjoyment in all the songs, and ranking them hadn't been as easy as I had initially assumed.

Third, this list will include every song that I could find in relation to the Hatchetverse exception for the Nightmare Time theme variations due to their similarities.

Lastly, since this list will cover all the songs it will include performances by Robert Manion. Many longtime Starkid fans are already familiar with the controversies surrounding him, which had led to his removal from the group.
Personally, with everything that had come to light since then, I'd lost any and all enjoyment I'd once found in his performances.
This means that any 'high' ranking song performed by him has only reached this position due to the work of Jeff Blim (music/lyrics) and the work of the other performers.

76. One Thousand Eyes

Nightmare Time, Episode 1, Credits
Performed by Jeff Blim

There is something so nice about having eye-theme in horror fiction; And as an avid enjoyer of said themed horror, I'd actually assumed that any song covering the subject would be ranking higher...

But I had to start somewhere.

Lyrically, it's pretty fun; Covering the concept of having been under constant watch. Stylistically it reminds me of Electric Dance Music (EDM) and the while the somewhat repetitive theme and lyrics are great to underline the credits, they fall a bit more flat if listened to on their own.

Let's hope Blinky won't see this ranking...

75. It Takes Balls

Workin' Boys, Short
Performed by Zoey Chambers (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Hailey Dilmore (Angela Giarratana), Cassie King (Bryce Charles), Courtney (Lauren Lopez), Sue (Virginia Vass), Meg (Kim Whalen)

The first clearly meta-textual song on this list as part of a play within a play. All part of Henry Hidgens (currently) most successful attempt at bringing 'Workin' Boys: A New Musical' onto the stage.
However, not everything is perfect; The caveat being that he'd asked to make a few changes to the script to be acceptable - which turned "Workin' Boys" into "Workin' Girls".
Now, these changes are surface level only, meaning that most of the dialogue (and song lyrics) remain unchanged and - thus - often seem absurd; Which is were the lyrical comedy sets in.

74. Business Calls

Workin' Boys, Short
Performed by Cassie King (Bryce Charles)

To add insult to injury, Henry Hidgens seems to be lacking any actual business experience, even though the Musical itself has 'business' as one of its major themes. This leads to a very simplified and vague approximation of what "working in business" would actually entail:

[...]
'Cuz Business Calls
You gotta gotta gotta got
Make those tedious business calls
[...]

Compared to It Takes Balls, the jokes landed better, and the in-universe performance by Cassie King just added to my enjoyment of the number.

73. Snoozle Town

Nightmare Time, Episode 1, Watcher World
Performed by Angela Giarratana

Another song that was part of a play within a play. This time, the characters are watching a performance of "Blinky's Watch Party" at the Watcher World park. The dichotomy between the rather silly and childlike lyrics and this sense of wanderlust work really well.

Though, I feel like it is the narrative follow-up to the song that makes the whole experience more memorable for me. Poor Angela.

72. Let Him Come

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Mr. K. Davidson (Jeff Blim), Nora (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Professor Hidgens (Robert Manion)

If the song were longer, I'd probably have ranked it higher. However, I do enjoy the tension that it builds. It also is a clear repeat of what the audience had heard before during the show's opening number. Thus, its reappearance manages to reframe the opening.

Oh, the implications...

71. Forever and Always

Nightmare Time, Episode 2, Forever and Always
Performed by Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Robert Manion

There is something incredibly hilarious about a romance song between Emma and Paul not being sung by either character. To me, the song seems just be a tad too generic, even if it's an apt fit for the characters it represents.

70. Honey Queen

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 1, Honey Queen
Performed by Jeff Blim

The crooning singing style and the musical arrangement is different enough for it to always be recognisable. Its place within the story - as the opening number for the 'Honey Queen Pageant' - sets certain expectations, and I enjoy the way the song slowly leans toward anger and frustration when singing about the Honey Queen's behaviour.

What a dark mirror to the peagant itself, where it becomes clear that they're supposed to act in a specific way, or suffer the consequences for those perceived transgression. In this case, the singer - disappointed for having been rejected in the past - isn't shying away from threatening the fictional Honey Queen either.

69. Two Weeks Notice

Workin' Boys, Short
Performed by Meg (Kim Whalen)

Henry Hidgens did it. I unironically enjoy this song.
There is something cathartic about any 'I quit' song. Especially, if the future ahead of them seems so promising.

You want my two week notice?
Fuck you

To me, this becomes even funnier in context; As it is apparently this song and performance that ended up pushing Hidgens over the edge. Talk about having different opinions!

68. You Tied Up My Heart

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Sam (Jeff Blim)

What do you do when you're part of a musical hive mind but your vessel is tied to a chair? You ask the vessel's wife to free them of their chains via a manipulative love song. It's very logical. And a fun tune to boot!

There's so much enjoyment found in the visual performance, where Sam (Jeff Blim) will dance even while tied to the chair.
However, there is also something so tragic about this song. The hive mind has enough information to use its knowledge against Charlotte (Jaime Lyn Beatty) as it sings about their past relationship and a promise of reconciliation. While Charlotte seemed trepid at first, she quickly fell for this wishful ideal and paid the price.

67. What Do You Want, Paul?

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Mr. K. Davidson (Jeff Blim)

Probably the least subtle attempt at trying to get your employees to burst into their own 'I Want Song' number as a means to assimilate them into the musical hive mind.

I truly enjoy how the music keeps either stopping or repeating as it waits for Paul to establish some want; Only for Paul to deny them constantly.

Originally, I hadn't really put that much thought into the actions of Mr. Davidson as he was trying get for Paul to actually take initiative. However, the more I think about it, the more interesting his own tangent becomes.
The moment he shares his own want and attempts to act upon them, he's forecefully undermined by what had taken root within his mind.

This tiny moment of despair and desperation as he tries to recall what he'd been about to say, before falling back into the song he was supposed to sing is captivating. It's also the first instance where any potential mental manipulation, as well as the concept of loss of self at the hand of the hive mind, become more evident.

66. Latte Hatte

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 1, Honey Queen
Performed by Zoey Chambers (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas)

A fun callback to The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals with this neat little tune. However, unlike Emma, Zoey is not holding back with her vocal range. Moreover, it seems that the song itself is an actual 'tip song' for all the Baristas at Beanies, who knew?

Regarding this specific version: There is something so satisfying that the music actually stopped the moment that Paul showed up. That's just very in-character.

The song is also quite catchy. Though, I would have preferred it if it focused more on the coffee than the barista...

65. What Do You Say

Black Friday
Performed by Dylan Saunders, Kim Whalen, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Joey Richter, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Curt Mega, Robert Manion

It is an excellent establishing number that covers the past relationship between Tom Houston (Dylan Saunders) and Becky Barnes (Kim Whalen), while simultaneously establishing the town of Hatchetfield as terrible gossips.

The musical arrangement doesn't seem too complicated compared to other songs, but it gives the ensemble time to let their characters shine.

64. Young at Heart

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 3, Daddy
Performed by Jeff Blim

As the opening number for the episode, its discomfort at the start comes from the visuals. Jaime Lyn Beatty as Sherman manages to create a sense of unease to the otherwise rather benign lyrics.

I'm young at heart
A tortured soul
I carry the years but my heart still grows

The already rather deliberate discomforting video ends with a blink(y) and you'll miss it moment that recontextualised the video itself and already hinted at a darker nature for the episode itself.

63. Next Time

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 4, Credits
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Bryce Charles, Corey Dorris, Curt Mega, Dylan Saunders, Jae Hughes, Jamie Lyn Beatty, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Joey Richter, Jon Matteson, Kim Whalen, Lauren Lopez, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas.

Not only is this song fitting for the episode itself, but it also fits the end of that season of Nightmare Time. I really enjoy the harmonies present and yet find myself feeling melancholic.

I've never been the one to run away
Suffice to say
Too much damage has been done

This is one of these songs that will always be able to stand on its own. Though, I can't help but wonder about the fates of Hatchetfield's citizens. So many of them are still wishing for a place (and timeline) removed from the horrors.

62. Cup of Poisoned Coffee

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Zoey Chambers (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Nora (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Coffee Shop Visitors (Joey Richter, Corey Dorris, Robert Manion)

This is the perfect time to get something off my chest: I am a big fan of villain songs, musical reprises, and coffee.
Thus, it's actually really nice to have a song that covers all three boxes!

The tune is jazzy, and there is something so malicious about the performance of it only moments after the previous version had ended. My only complaint is that it is rather short.

61. Use It or Lose It

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 4, Yellow Jacket
Performed by Jaime Lyn Beatty

It's visually trippy and musically funky.
It differs enough from the other songs that I find myself quite entranced whenever it's playing. I can't quite pinpoint what the style reminds me of, but it feels like it resembles something that I would have listened to when I was younger.

60. Go Go Nighthawks!

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Lauren Lopez, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Curt Mega, Bryce Charles, Jon Matteson, Kim Whalen, Corey Dorris, Joey Richter

It always impresses me when an ensemble number manages to establish multiple things within its short runtime. In this case: Without the Jägerman around things in the school have improved on multiple levels. People are happier, and even the nerds are included! It is the day of the 'big game' and the rivalry between Hatchetfield and Clivesdale stays strong.
I can't help but laugh at the whole verse that is simply cursing out the opponent.

59. Jane's a Car

Nightmare Time, Episode 3, Jane's a Car
Performed by Dylan Saunders

Got my foot on the gas!

The fact that this starts with a nice rock tune is already a win in my book. Then they add Dylan to it, who has the perfect vocals for it? Yes.
However, they can't let you have nice things. Just like with Young at Heart, the video makes sure to cause a certain unease.

This isn't just a song about a guy liking his car. Now it's a song about a guy having far more intense feelings for that car.
...What an interesting opening song for a completely normal episode.

58. Show Me Your Hands

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Sam (Jeff Blim), Doug (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), HFPD Sergeant (Robert Manion)

The arrangement for this song is just very fun. There's a good reason that the starting melody turned into the general motif for any appearance of the police in Hatchetfield.
The lyrics, too, are a great showcase of unnecessary police violence, unclear and conflicting instructions, as well as an unhealthy attitude regarding their own power.

The actual performance in the show is another thing entirely, the confusion that the rest of the cast experiences while trying to get out of this situation alive is very fun to watch.

Lastly, I cannot believe that "Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands [...]" works so well as a line. It actually makes me mad.

57. The Hatchetfield Ape-Man

Nightmare Time, Episode 1, The Hatchetfield Ape-Man
Performed by Jaime Lyn Beatty, Jeff Blim

The intro always catches my attention. It's a jazz-y arrangement and, thus, distinguishes itself a bit more from many other Starkid numbers.
The lyrics are just silly, and yet great exposition to catch up on everything that one might need to know about this elusive creature.

Jaime's performance is very fun to watch, though, sadly the video itself in the show suffers some lag. Thus, I tend to listen to the official cast recording instead.
The ending where Jeff elaborates on the more violent nature of the beast, only for Jaime to drop her own number still cracks me up everytime, though.

Jeff:
[...]
His name is Wooly Foot
He’s a real nice guy that could rip off your face!

Jaime:
Wait... What was that?
[...]
He can rip off your face?

56. The Nibbly Ditty

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 1, Honey Queen
Performed by Curt Mega, James Tolbert, Dylan Saunders

I can't quite say why, but I just really like the lyrics in this one; They're not that complicated and yet manage to include quite a lot of lore to establish Nibbly. All the while my eyes are being blinded by that bright pink filter over the video - and it's so worth it.
A surprising end to the actual episode, but simultaneously quite rewarding. Moreover, it's just interesting to see the Sniggles once again. They're always there. Visually, James and Curt do such an amazing job to be unsettling in opposite directions; It's impossible to dislike it.

The song is catchy, the music is highly energetic, it's just easy to find some enjoyment in it. Nibbly might not be my favourite out of all the lords in black, but the song was certainly entertaining.

55. Just for Once

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Ruth Fleming (Lauren Lopez)

Probably one of the few songs that I really enjoy, but find myself having quite some confllicting feelings about. The song does so much to establish Ruth as a character, and it does so through a meta-number, which I find very impressive.

Generally, Lauren's performance as Ruth is just really well done. I will always be be amazed by character-voice performances.
Moreover, it was also neat to recognise the melody for Just for Once as part of Ruth's musical motif during her appearance in Workin' Boys.

It is also quite the sad counter to have a soon-to-be high school murder victim talk about missed changes and adult life in general. However, the number doesn't work as well for me if I'm not watching the show.

54. Cup of Roasted Coffee

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Emma (Lauren Lopez), Zoey Chambers (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Nora (Jaime Lyn Beatty)

This song is such a joy to watch being performed, mostly due to Emma's absolute disinterest in participating.

Generally, the musical arrangement is very fun, and the lyrics are quite corny.
Though, I find myself wondering about the state of Zoey and Nora as they were establishing this number. Had they still been themselves? The image of the hive mind already being active and subtly trying to influence Emma as they were teaching her the steps, but failing miserably due to her own dislike, is extremely funny to me. However, the fact that there was a whole other A-Section would either mean that the hive mind simply improvised on the spot (what talent!), or that the number had already been present before it had ever intervened...

The coffee theme does it for me. Unlike Latte Hatte, this tip song actually focuses on the coffee, and is thus superior.

53. Show Stoppin Number

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Henry Hidgens (Robert Manion), Stu (Corey Dorris), Greg (Jeff Blim)

...The number did what it promised. I've always enjoyed the absurdity of it all. Not only is Hidgens trying to lure the hive mind towards his house, but he also has to use the time to interrupt his own song to pitch another musical.
This song is the introduction of "Working Boys: A New Musical", and since then it has become a major character beat for Hidgens to get his magnum opus produced.

The lyrics for all of it are just too much fun, from the constant digs at Hamilton; to Hidgens clear lack of understanding regarding the business world - everything can be found here.

Visually, this whole part of the show is supported by Emma's clear disinterest juxtaposed to Ted's clear interest in the pitch for this musical even while under threat of death.

[...] Today? After work? On the football field? The old stomping ground, eh, Greg? Just you . . . and me . . . and Steve . . . and Stu...
And Mark and Leighton...
And Chad

52. Peanuts!

Nightmare Time, Episode 2, Credits
Performed by Lauren Lopez, Joey Richter

How fun to be given more lore about the pocket squirrel that had been mentioned in The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals.

It's another one of those songs that's just a tad too catchy for what it is. The guitar in this arrangement is just mesmerising, and that the song itself functions as a tiny horror story is just neat.
Dan and Donna, the Hatchetfield News Reporters are also quite unhinged, which is just apt for the place as a whole. Love their excitement about Peanuts the Hatchefield Pocket Squirrel.

51. Yellow Jacket

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 4, Yellow Jacket
Performed by Angela Giarratana

I would have listened to this in my youth unironically; Perfectly capturing the spirit of a teenage rebellion song...
Who am I kidding. I still listen to this unironically. It has these pop-rock / pop punk beats that I've always enjoyed. It's a genre I've been listening to for years. It has such 2000-2010 energy. The set design is also really well done, as it's drowned in yellow.

It's also quite the interesting character dissection, which just adds to the reasons to enjoy this song. It's a reminder that Lex, while still young herself has had to take on so many responsibilities; And yet her own frustrations persist - and get an outlet through this song.

50. Monsters and Men

Black Friday
Performed by Jeff Blim, Curt Mega, James Tolbert, Jon Matteson, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Joey Richter, Lauren Lopez, Robert Manion, Kim Whalen, Kendall Nicole, Corey Dorris, Angela Giarratana

It's interesting to me, because originally I was about to dismiss this song. It never quite clicked with me, until I've been working on this ranking. Now, I've come to appreciate it a lot more.

It's an interesting musical arrangement that occasionally mixes things up enough to keep me engaged; But it's the lyrics that really make this song pretty great.

General John MacNamara is such an interesting supporting character, and this number captures his nature so well.
He's such an ideal, and I can't help but wonder if we ever learn more about the character itself in the future...
But for this song, he's clearly the voice of reason and the voice that manages to motivate people to actually act, even if they have to confront their fears.

Additionally, I really like the change in the chorus from "There are monsters that we all should dread" to "It is the monsters who should live in dread".
The man does not want for anyone to simply give up, and he'll sing about it if needed.

49. The Best of You

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Maria Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter, Bryce Charles, Curt Mega, Corey Dorris, Kim Whalen, Lauren Lopez, Jon Matteson, Will Branner

This song is clearly meant to reflect all those ending rock numbers for so many movies aimed at teenagers. This is no negative judgement. It's just such a moment of whiplash after everything that happened in the musical, and I love it.

...It's also the sort of pop punk that I enjoy. A younger me would have had this track one on repeat. Though, I find myself wondering about the in-universe band Needy Beast that 'performed' this song originally. This song juxtaposed to their appearance in Nightmare Time is actually comical; Especially since they apparently hate it - which adds another layer of comedy to me.

For Nerdy Prudes Must Die, the performance is just very fun to watch. They're all so happy. What a nice ending for a Hatchetfield story! Not like anything could imply otherwise.

48. Adore Me

Black Friday
Performed by Lauren Lopez, Jon Matteson, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Joey Richter

Villain songs are always fun.

The arrangement for it, too, is just fun to listen to. It quickly gets one invested - and Linda Monroe is an interesting villain for sure. Though, Personally, I wish Linda's character was a bit more imaginative in her lyrics; As it stands it feels a bit repetitive.
A part of me still wonders what a more serious take on a Linda Monroe song would have sounded like if it hadn't been disrupted by Gerald's call.

47. Made It Work

Workin' Boys
Performed by Henry Hidgens (Jeff Blim)

Just me and my six boyfriends

It's embarrassing how quickly this song had won me over. Additionally that lore-drop about Hidgens polyamorous relationship was too much for me.

I'd say I'm happy for him and that it certainly reframes his insistence to get this musical based of his life off the ground... However, knowing where this usually leads I'm not quite sure to feel about this.

Part of me also believes that my own ranking has been influenced by the simple fact that we've been waiting for more 'Working Boys' for years... It sort of still feels like a fever dream that there is an actual 'cast album'.

46. Wiggle

Black Friday
Performed by Lauren Lopez, Jon Matteson, Joey Richter, James Tolbert, Curt Mega, Robert Manion, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Jeff Blim

Another villain song! One that introduces one of my favourite motifs in the show of Black Friday. That little tune that is meant to reflect Wiggly, or maybe the lords in Black in general. It is also the perfect tune to interrupt an otherwise rather simple arrangement.

This certainly covers the more serious take on a villain song sung by Linda Monroe, though, it falls more into an anthem for the higher power that is Wiggly, than her own self; Which seems quite logical for this point of the story. Linda is only the means to an end.

On another note regarding the instrumentation: I also quite enjoy the inclusion of Carol of the Bells in the arrangement.

45. America Is Great Again

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by General John MacNamara (Jeff Blim), Ted Spankoffski (Joey Richter), PEIP Agents (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Corey Dorris, Robert Manion)

What a bleak existence for General John MacNamara. He's been stripped of all that made him stand out as a decent person, and all that's left is an obedient shell (for the hive mind to use).

The music is eerie, cold, and methodical. It's really well put together, and it brings with it a sense of frustration and sadness. Personally, the latter part of the song is what elevates it.

It's tragic, and that's why this song is so good.
Admittedly, I don't have the same connection to the sentiment shared as a Non-American; And yet, I cannot help but empathise and realise that the song is just as relevant if not more so than it had been back then.

44. Monsters and Men (Reprise)

Black Friday
Performed by Jeff Blim

Nobody blames me that I prefer a supporting General John MacNamara, right?
He's ready to provide his help one last time (in Black Friday) to give Lex the means to survive; And he'll do so by singing.

I can show you the path, but only you can walk it

It sort of saddens me that it is a rather short reprise. Then again, they were under time constraints...

43. The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
performed by Bill Woodward (Corey Dorris), Charlotte Sweetly (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Mr. K. Davidson (Jeff Blim), Ted Spankoffski (Joey Richter), Emma Perkins (Lauren Lopez), Melissa (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Henry Hidgens (Robert Manion)

There is nothing but adoration for this opening number. It establishes so much so quickly. It differentiates itself from other musical by already establishing that they're aware that this IS a musical. Moreover, they talk about the importance of Musicals as a whole.
All of this is followed by elaborating that their plan to share: "The last remaining story to tell".
And isn't that fun to think about more thoroughly? Why would that be considered the last story?

The way they introduce Paul as such a killjoy is another brilliant decision, he's built up so well - and then makes his name proud by not showing up.

I recall when I first heard that song back in 2018, it had won me over so quickly; And even now I find myself enamoured by it. This was the start of something special for me; But like with so many Starkid Songs it's once again one of those songs that you cannot sing without drawing some glances...

The apotheosis is upon us
Yay!

42. Nightmare Time Theme (Needy Beast Cover)

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 3, Credits
Performed by Trash (Joey Richter), Skud (Jeff Blim), Rose (Bryce Charles), Becky Barnes (Kim Whalen)

The return of Needy Beast to this ranking! And what a great way to return. This is such a fun take on a punk version of this song. Musically, it reminds me of Green Day and Fall Out Boy, which I don't see as a detriment.

41. Deck the Halls (Of Northville High)

Black Friday
Performed by Robert Manion, James Tolbert, Jon Matteson, Angela Giarratana, Jeff Blim, Curt Mega, Lauren Lopez, Joey Richter, Jaime Lyn Beatty

There is something so funny about the opening number of Act II being a number dedicated to "Santa Claus is going to High School", the fictional movie that had been referenced a few times in the previous act. It's to establish that our cast of characters is at the cinema, but we don't see them until the number is over; The audience is taking the point of view of and cinema audience, and it's great.

Musically, it's far more littered with Christmas motifs and it's clearly a satirical take on so many cheap Christmas flicks. The concept itself is so absurd, and yet I would believe anyone who told me that the concept was under consideration. It perfectly encapsulates this attempt at creating something relatable and fun for the younger generation.

I'll always appreciate Starkid Productions commitment to the bit.

40. The Witch in the Web

Nightmare Time, Episode 3, The Witch in the Web
Performed by Hannah Foster (Kendall Nicole)

It's another take on the concepts of songs sung in-universe. Hannah sings this song mostly to herself as a means to protect herself from that malevolent power.
Yet, the song had originally been sung by Webby - Hannah is simply repeating it. Thus, the lyrics are actually addressing Hannah; They're telling her what she's supposed to do to counter the potential threat.

I tell you this for a reason
Just you and your guitar
A witch becomes a coward
When you remember who you are

The guitar in question is a ukulele, but that is fine. If it works, it works. I'm not judging; Or at least I'm not changing the ranking because of that.

39. Perky's Buds

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 2, Perky's Buds
Performed by Ezekiel (Joey Richter), Ziggs (Jae Hughes)

The apparent dichotomy of Starkid: To be a serious song, or to be a hilarious song.
Not like the episode hadn't already been a roller coaster, considering it was about weed smoking Nighthawks with a growing set of psychic powers... They had to include an in-universe ad for the weed.

...and it's such a good song too.
But it's the video that destroys my sanity.
It's exactly what I'd imagine a character like Ziggs to create.

38. Run Away With Me

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 3, Killer Track
Performed by Miss Holloway (Kim Whalen)

...On the opposite spectrum of Perky's Buds, we have this professional music video by Miss Holloway that could have been recorded in the 80s.

It's a great track, the vocals are amazing - but wouldn't it be nice to actually know more about Miss Holloway?

...Oh, that's something to look forward to then.

37. Tickle-Me Wiggly Jingle

Black Friday
Performed by Uncle Wiley (Joey Richter), Sniggles (Angela Giarratana, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Lauren Lopez, Curt Mega, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Kim Whalen, Robert Manion)

Yet another ad!
This time for our lovely fwiendy-wend Wiggly! (His belly so squishy!)

The joy from this song comes in two forms: For one I absolutely adore the choreography during the show. For the other, this directly functions as the introduction of an eldritch being, and it's such a funny concept to me.

Sniggle:
Where does Wiggly come from?

Uncle Wiley:
Well, he’s deep down in drowsy town
Sleeping the dreamless sleep of the dead!

I simply cannot repeat this line with a straight face; And like so many jingles - it's far too catchy.

36. Hatchet Town

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Joey Richter, Curt Mega, Corey Dorris, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Kim Whalen, Bryce Charles

What a great song to reflect the people of Hatchetfield. Everyone's doubting everything and blaming everyone for the problem.
Additionally, there our there claiming that the perpetrator has a gun, even though none of the victims had any gunshot wound. Truly, perfect.

It's such a fun ensemble piece already, and then they give Bryce Charles a whole verse that is just a showstopper for me.
It was also nice to have all these nods and cameos shown throughout the pro-shot of the production.

35. The Web I Spin For You

Nightmare Time, Episode 3, The Witch in the Web
Performed by Webby (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas)

The track is quite funky, and the first few times I actually struggled to follow the lyrics to further untangle their meaning.
I'm quite interested in the lore implications given. The idea that she'd been previously betrayed by the Lords in Black, and that she's now ready to trap them in her own web in revenge...

34. CaliforM.I.A.

Black Friday,
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Robert Manion

Another teenage rebellion song! This time though, it seems very appropriate, as Lex is quite frustrated with the terrible state her home had been - and she is taking the opportunity to get herself and the people she cherishes out of that situation.

It's time to flip the switch,
When the problem's chronic,
Not being hyperbolic,
But it's time to ghost

While I like her number in Yellow Jacket, there is something so nice about this song in comparison. It's just a tad more hopeful, as here Lex already has a plan for the future that looks approachable.

33. La Dee Dah Dah Day

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Greenpeace Girl (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Homeless Man (Joey Richter), Hatchetfield Citizens (Jeff Blim, Corey Dorris, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Lauren Lopez, Robert Manion)

Probably one of the funniest concepts for a song number one could come up with; And if I had to witness something like that, I'd run like Paul wanted to.

The worst thing is that it's just so catchy and far to easy to sing along with. I wouldn't have survived a day after the meteoroid incident.

And this jam's just way too hot

This whole scene is such a joy to watch, unless you're Paul. Paul really wasn't having a great time.

This was probably also the first song I had heard Mariah perform, and she did a stellar job.
Lastly, I can't help but be very excited to see how The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals: Reprised! will adapt this number regarding the citizens of Hatchetfield who'll be participating.

32. Black Friday

Black Friday
Performed by Angela Giarratana

I keep forgetting how much I like this number until I listen to it again. There are so many good lines that just speak of lyrical talent - and there's a rawness to the performance.

Previously I noted the hope that Lex had felt, and this song is basically the opposite; It's the realisation that none of what she'd done was enough to help her; It's Lex's darkest hour put into song.

Is there some lesson to learn?
Should I never have wanted?
I never even got started!
Or were the decks always just this stacked?

31. Queen B

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 1, Honey Queen
Performed by Linda Monroe (Lauren Lopez)

It's such a great in-character number. Throughout the episode it's established that Linda would not be dancing an intricate number, and here she is doing the minimum with her performance. It's great.

There's also joy to be found, since we're gifted with this serious Linda Monroe number that I'd been wishing for since I'd seen Black Friday.

Luckily, the episode stopped right after this and nothing else happened.

30. Not your Seed

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Alice Woodward (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Deb (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Hatchetfield Bee (Lauren Lopez)

And look what happens, nightmare time

Who doesn't enjoy a good villain song? Especially if the villain is ready to pick at all your insecurities and packages them into another teenage rebellion song?

What a terrible thing to witness for Paul and Bill, and the lyrics certainly aren't holding back. The whole show relies on the implications (we have to think about the implications!), but there is something to be said about the tragedy that is being presented.
The hive mind uses Alice to clearly establish how terrifying an assimilation would have been. How she'd been swarmed - and then died - all alone; Only to then blame Bill for having abandoned her.

There is a certain ambiguity around, how much of what the hive mind is saying should even be considered the truth?

29. Do You Want To Play

Black Friday
Performed by Kim Whalen, Dylan Saunders

...did someone ask for another villain song? Sung by the supposed heroes of the story?
What a great choice, actually.

Kim's and Dylan's voices in this are simple transcendent.

28. The Blinky Song

Nightmare Time, Episode 1, Watcher World
Performed by James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Curt Mega

Considering that this is another in-universe show happening at Watcher World, it's probably not terrible to say that this song heavily reminds me of those old cartoon openings.

I've hummed "Blink once, blink twice - If you get the sniggle urge to move" far more often than I'd like. Also, please don't actually blink; If you blink - Blinky'll wake up! (And if he wakes up, there'll be dead Sniggles all around.)

27. Workin' Girls Medley

Workin' Boys, Short
Performed by Zoey Chambers (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Hailey Dilmore (Angela Giarratana), Cassie King (Bryce Charles), Courtney (Lauren Lopez), Sue (Virginia Vass), Meg (Kim Whalen)

The culmination of Henry Hidgens barely changing anything from his original script, and it's glorious. The cast did their best to make it work (tonight). This number is where I think the humour of it all works the best. Though, maybe it might just be a certain familiarity with the lyrics...

[...] Today? After work? On the football-but-for-girls field? The old stomping grounds, eh, Meg? Just you and me and Sue and Eve and Marge and Leia and Chad.

26. If I Loved You

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter

The arrangement is so good. The harmonies are great, and so are the lyrics. By this point of the narrative so many things have already happened! And how does the couple try and decompress?
Argue and blame the others due to those silly hidden feelings, which leads to this number where both parties argue that they actually do NOT have any feelings for the other.

They're so stubborn. It's great. It's just such a fun song - neither of them wanting for the other to have the last word; And then there's Grace Chasity:

Leave room for Jesus!

25. Time Bastard

Nightmare Time, Episode 2, Time Bastard
Performed by Kim Whalen

...Ted Spankoffski might be a sleazeball, but his story in Nightmare Time has a great opening number.

The arrangement and presentation reminded me personally of certain opening credits from James Bond movies such as Octopussy (1983), Goldeneye (1995), and Skyfall (2012).

The build up to the chorus, Kim's voice in general, the visuals... this song keeps giving.

24. Made In America

Black Friday
Performed by Joey Richter, Angela Giarratana, Lauren Lopez, Kim Whalen, Robert Manion

By now it's probably become rather clear, but hand me a villain song and I'll love it; And Joey plays the villain so well.
The message might not be subtle, but it doesn't have to be. It's honestly more fun this way. Moreover, the song then leads to this intermission with Wiggly - and what's better than one villain in a song? Two villains, naturally.

It is impossible for me not to like Wiggly in this. His whole speech to the 'Prezzy-Wez' is too funny:

[...]
I wouldn't want to miss out on opening all my presents.
I think I'll start with you.
I'm going to cut open your belly-well
And deck the halls with your gutsy-wutsies!

Nothing makes me happier but knowing that this speech was kept for the cast recording.

23. Literal Monster

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Joey Richter, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Bryce Charles, Kim Whalen, Curt Mega, Corey Dorris, Will Branner

Should it be considered a villain song if the song is about the villain?
The nerds establishing the terror that is 'Max Jägerman' is so well done. It's clear that this threat is not to be taken lightly.

The guitar for this song is also going wild. I absolutely adore it; And when one might think it couldn't get any better - we get Max singing the song as well; And Will is doing such a good job establishing how satisfied Max is with his position at the top of the hierarchy.

I'm aware I keep repeating myself, but those songs are just so fun. However, in addition to all of this, I also really like the choice in title for this track. The literal monster that will turn into ... a different sort of literal monster soon enough.

22. Cool As I Think I Am

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Joey Richter

Maybe it's my nostalgia talking, but this always reminds me of Sidekick from AVPS. I mean that in the best way possible, but it seems that if Joey isn't given a villain song he's supposed to sing about how he's supposedly a side-character.

I bet this song will suck
Doesn't take a detective
It's as cool as I think I am

...This song is actually far cooler than he thinks it is, and the melody throughout is just so nice.

21. Bully The Bully

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter, Lauren Lopez, Jon Matteson

It's the melody, it's the snapping, maybe it's the twirl that Grace does.
I want to study this sequence under a microscope. The moves. They're everything.

Their growing excitement for this prank really is infectious.

20. Join Us (And Die)

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Charlotte (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Sam (Jeff Blim)

Since we're already on the topic of being infectious...

Charlotte steals the show with this number. A death threat seldomly sounds this good. This song will always hype me up - and then there's Sam who's actually a perfect hype-man for the whole thing.

The only bit that saddens me is that the number had to be cut short as a means to keep the main cast alive.

It is also fascinating to note that Charlotte and Sam singled out Ted for this number. Once again, leaving one to wonder how much of 'their' will and memories can shape the actions of the hive mind.

19. Axe Man

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 3, Abstinence Camp
Performed by Bryce Charles, Corey Dorris

Nobody told me that Bryce and Corey had a number together. Why did nobody tell me about this? Why did I have to find this out only days before I started working on this list? I could have had this song on repeat for years, not just the past few days!

This is everything that I could have dreamed of. Not only do the two of them have a number together, but it's also a number hyping up the threat of the episode.... which kind of makes it a villain song!

And his blade made of hate and solid steel
And you may have brought a gun,
But it’s Hatchetfield!

18. What Tim Wants

Black Friday
Performed by Dylan Saunders

Whenever there is a song that is far too emotional for its own good, there's Dylan Saunders close by.
This look into Tom's motivations for this to be an attempt at reconnecting with his son - to be able to make his son happier once again after all the terrible events that they had witnessed; All the while actually ignoring that Tim had wanted for his father to be present.

Mr. Davidson was right. This is one of those 'I want song' that perfectly manages to get me invested in Tom's journey and has me root for him, even as I am aware that he is making a mistake by leaving in the first place. The man is trying.

17. High School Is Killing Me

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Angela Giarratana, Lauren Lopez, Kim Whalen, Bryce Charles, Corey Dorris, Curt Mega, Jon Matteson, Joey Richter

There is so much that I could say about this number and the reasons why it's just amazing: The choreography, the musical arrangement, the lyrics, the whole spoken discussion between Steph and Pete...
But my thoughts return to Richie Lipschitz and Ruth Fleming at the very beginning.
It's eerie, and the switch to the rather high energy number is just such an interesting concept. Richie's first words actually being "I'm dead" vs. Ruth's "I'm scared".
Surely, that doesn't mean anything. This is just High School, there's no real danger there...

16. If I Fail You

Black Friday
Performed by Dylan Saunders

This song breaks my heart. Not only because this is the moment Tom finally realises that he's been on a wild goose chase, wasting so much of his time, but also because there is actually no positive resolution to this.

Tom did not manage to reunite with Tim in this musical. Tim dies alone waiting for Tom to return; And that's just such a tragic fate.

He tried his best - and yet, he failed.

15. Dirty Dudes Must Die

Nerdy Dudes Must Die
Performed by Angela Giarratana

Grace Chasity gets to have her own villain song. She deserves it, and it's such a perfect reprise of what came before.

Never give Grace any form of power. She will not be afraid to use it again. It's such a fun, yet chilling, ending to the show. In a way it's not the worst ending that a Hatchetfield show had had, but it's clear that Grace's judgement should not be trusted. The reprise parallels Jägerman's song because she is the parallel to him. A new literal monster to haunt the town.

The callback to "Who will pray for you" gaining on a few more layers, now that Grace is the one singing it.

14. Killer Track

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 3, Killer Track
Performed by Jeff Blim

A theatrical approximation of extreme metal. It's just such a blast, and even though it's been a few days since I've actively listened to this - I can still hear it. It's just that memorable, I guess.

13. Feast or Famine

Black Friday
Performed by Dylan Saunders, Kim Whalen, Angela Giarratana, Corey Dorris, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Joey Richter, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Curt Mega, Robert Manion

CHAOS REIGNS!

Another really great ensemble piece. What a great way to showcase the people's willingness to resort to violence simply for the promise of getting that (lovely) little Tickle-Me Wiggly.

There are so many tiny character moments, too, which add to the gem that is this song. Moreover, the choreography throughout this whole sequence keeps impressing me.

12. Our Doors Are Open

Black Friday
Performed by Corey Dorris, Angela Giarratana

Corey gets to have a number - I'll be excited.
It's really quite simple. It is also the perfect set-up for the chaos that will follow after. However, at this moment Frank Pricely is simply happy at the prospect of getting some money.

Once again, the duo of overexcited boss and clearly unenthused employee is a winning combination for the performance. Lex is doing what she has to, that doesn't mean she wishes to participate in this whole song and dance.

11. Take Me Back

Black Friday
Performed by Dylan Saunders, Kim Whalen

Admittedly, I don't consider myself the biggest fan of romantic duets, but this one really got to me: Two broken people by time finding solace in the other. The concept that it's not too late to either reconnect, or to - generally - find someone even after having changed... it's just a nice thought.

It's also really interesting how their perspective is so different, and yet they find something in the other. Tom arguing that Becky hasn't changed at all since their days in High School and, thus, is still the person he'd loved; While Becky argues that Tom might have changed, but her feelings hadn't.

It's such a neat song.

10. Bury The Bully

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter, Lauren Lopez, Jon Matteson

Oh god, she's snapping again

This song shouldn't be this hilarious. It's such a devious choice and I love that team Starkid committed to the bit once again.

It's even funnier when one is listening to the cast recording. Bully the Bully ends and there's already a dead body. Time to bury it.

Lyrically this is just a feast. Grace's unhingedness is such a joy to witness.

9. Nightmare Time Theme

Nightmare Time, All
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Bryce Charles, Corey Dorris, Curt Mega, Dylan Saunders, Jaime Lyn Beatty, James Tolbert, Jeff Blim, Joey Richter, Jon Matteson, Kim Whalen, Lauren Lopez, Nick Lang, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Matt Dahan

To me, this song is such a good approximation of Hatchetfield as a whole.
I can't pick a favourite line from the theme itself, it's just perfection given form.

It's impossible to skip this intro.

8. Cool As I Think I Am (Reprise)

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter

This song stabbed me in the heart and isn't even sorry about it.
The title fools you into thinking that it's only reprising one song. It's not. It actually reprises two songs. What a catch!

7. Virginity Rocks

Nightmare Time 2, Episode 2, Abstinence Camp
Performed by Boy Jerri (Jon Matteson), Girl Jeri (Kim Whalen)

... Unofficial Ace Anthem unlocked?

Not that I say we should advocate for celibacy the way that camp Idontwannabang suggests, but I can't help but find myself enchanted by this track. It somehow is a work of art. The deliberate terrible video editing? The silly dance-moves? The fact that this fictional Taylor uses they/them pronouns, while the camp is strictly reenforcing a gender binary? The fact that they're actually called Boy Jerry and Girl Jeri? The way the two of them hide behind the tree to be out of frame?

Kim and Jon gave their all to make this number work and it did. I am still mentally apologising to Axe Man for having so quickly fallen for the charm of Virginity Rocks.

6. Dirty Girl

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Will Branner

This song is great for the same, yet also opposite, reasons that I couldn't stop listening to Virginity Rocks.

It also had me reminisce about Get in My Mouth from AVPS. Back then it was actually about a giant spider actually eating its prey, even if the lyrics were a tad more suggestive.
Now we're simply having soup.

Angela and Will did an amazing job performing this number, both visually and vocally; Clearly reflecting Grace's current state as she's - for the first time - confronted with the idea of physical intimacy.

The song perfectly encapsulates her inexperience, as well as the intensity of this sudden desire! The work done for this song is amazing, and the music itself is just great too.
...It also cracks me up every time I see it.
However, I always respect it when they commit to the bit, and commit they did.

It sort of really felt like such a Starkid song - yes, you'll love the music, yes it makes narrative sense; No, you will not be able to sing this song without drawing some glances. The lyrics will ensure that.

5. The Summoning

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Angela Giarratana, Mariah Rose Faith Casillas, Joey Richter, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Curt Mega, Kim Whalen, Corey Dorris

Absolute stellar performance. The music goes wild, and we get the see witness the Lords in Black in all their glory? Sure, I'm in.

One of my favourite parts is how eerie and slow the first part of the summoning had been, which was then contrasted with this high energetic chaos as soon as they had arrived.
They're a threat, and they're having fun.

The costuming too, for this scene, had been so good.
Generally, I will say that this scene probably has a higher pay-off the more familiar you are with the Lords in Black. Comparing my notes pre Nightmare Time and post Nightmare Time certainly indicate that... but the song has always been a banger in my opinion. It just ranks even better now.

4. What If Tomorrow Comes

Black Friday
Performed by Kendall Nicole, Angela Giarratana, Dylan Saunders, Kim Whalen, Jon Matteson, Lauren Lopez, Corey Dorris, Jaime Lyn Beatty, Joey Richter, Jeff Blim, Curt Mega, Robert Manion

First of all, the ticking clock in the track is an immediate winner.
Then there's Kendall's amazing performance, this slow build up to the end, and her vocals are just amazing.

This song always leaves me in thought. I'll be contemplating and reconsidering - and I'll always feel a certain sadness while thinking about the fate of Hatchetfield's citizens. The way so many things were left unresolved...

3. Inevitable

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Paul Matthews (Jon Matteson), Nurse (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Nora (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Henry Hidgens (Robert Manion), Bill Woodward (Corey Dorris), Ted Spankoffski (Joey Richter), Mr. K. Davidson (Jeff Blim)

It's a villain song turned medley? That's a reason to rank it highly!

There is something so terribly beautiful about hearing the music swell up and hear Paul sing: "Emma, I'm sorry... [...] you lost your way."

This moment where everything hits, and you realise that they've truly lost. That even though Paul had tried, he'd failed; And then you can't even process it because Paul is out there singing one of the coolest medleys that there could be.

I absolutely love it, ignore the wounds and enjoy the show! It's fine. Horror seldomly has a good ending, so what should I have expected from my horror-comedy musical?

2. Nerdy Prudes Must Die

Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Performed by Will Branner, Jon Matteson

This number is just so packed. Will's performance as Max is amazing, Jon's performance as Richie is mesmerizing. They really sell the power that Max is supposed to possess, and the fear and panic juxtaposed with Max's glee as he's boxing Richie in? Just amazing.

The guitars in this too. The melody, the intensity - it's just so well done; And then it pulls the rug by having this slow and melancholic part. Just chills.

Max Jägerman:
I want you to repeat after me
[...]
Max Jägerman:
Who will pray for me?
[...]
Max Jägerman:
When I'm gone?

And when you think things couldn't get any better there's this last and intense shout from Richie himself, as he tries to reassert himself: "I'm not a loser!". Their performances are stunning; The emotions seem so raw - and then it's all for nothing. We already knew from the start that Richie wouldn't make it. It all crumbles...

I'm not normal about this song, and I don't want to be. It's just that good.

1. Let It Out

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
Performed by Paul Matthews (Jon Matteson), Mr. K. Davidson (Jeff Blim), Nora (Jaime Lyn Beatty), Greenpeace Girl (Mariah Rose Faith Casillas), Bill Woodward (Corey Dorris), Ted Spankoffski (Joey Richter), Hatchetfield Bee (Lauren Lopez)

I've been singing along to this song since 2018.
It could probably be considered a villain song?

However, not only did the hive mind have amazing vocals as they circle Paul in, but this was the first moment we actually heard the man sing.

Maybe it's my Jekyll and Hyde biases coming through, but this scene is just perfection in my eyes. The desperation as Paul is slowly succumbing, as well as this intense inner monologue as the hive mind takes root. The way Paul ends up reflecting on his life and how he'd never been really satisfied...

The moment of pure joy when he still manages to pull through, to act upon his wish to destroy the meteor and to save everyone - though, that's not quite what happened in the end, was it?

I've always loved this song, and I always will, but it's also probably the song I'm looking forward to the most to hear again in The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals: Reprised.

...And with that the list is over. My appreciation for the work that went into these songs has only improved since I'd started this endeavour.
Really, it was awful freeing now, to share the love I felt...
But what will I let in, if I post this now?

Feel free to let me know your thoughts on the ranking.