How I learned to stop worrying and love the hydra.

In mythology the Hydra of Lerna - also known as Lernaean Hydra - is often described as a monstrous beast that is serpentine in nature. Generally, it is understood that it had been Herakles who'd been "sent to destroy her as one of his twelve labours" ("Hydra Lernaia"). The description of the Hydra herself depends on its translations. Some of them state that in its normal state, the beast had possessed nine heads, with the ninth head being the immortal one, while other translations imply that the Hydra had been a beast with a hundred necks ("Hydra Lernaia").

What this means was, that even in its original state, the beast had already been imposing. It was however the additional ability that the Lernaean Hydra possessed that posed the real challenge: If a head is separated from the beast's neck two (or even more) heads will take its place.

It is this regenerative ability that implies that - for most - fighting a hydra should be considered a battle of futility.

Is it surprising then, that I find myself constantly overwhelmed and on the loosing side?

Now, my hydra is clearly only a metaphorical one, but the more I thought about it the more I liked to describe the situation as such.
This hydra had been on my mind for years, and it's always been a topic that I struggled to talk about; Not that that had stopped from at least mentioning it in passing:

It was always easy to put things on these mental lists, and to be completely honest, I do have quite a few lists. These lists include movies or shows that I "should-watch" and games that I "should-play", as well as all the books that I "should-read".
- Mischief, About Reading books and Goodreads, 2024.

The beast consists of those lists; Those libraries of texts in all forms that I've been amassing throughout the past decades.
No matter how many books I've read, how many games I play, or engage with in other ways - it'll never be finished.
There'll always be a backlog. There'll always be another new thing to read and to take its place. More often than not, it won't even be just one more thing but a whole selection of things.
It's impossible for me to keep up with it.

Naturally, this hydra isn't really threatening anyone, nor is it as intimidating to most - and yet I couldn't help but hate it with a passion for existing the way it did.

When I think about this fight, my hatred seems to be rooted in more than one spot. However, the easiest way to explain it is as follows: I fear that I never actually manage to experience everything that I'd wish to experience - the ever-growing list and their looming presence implying that I'm mismanaging my time; That I'm not using my free time efficiently enough.

During my studies, I had been given the amazing chance to amass a large quantity of academic E-Books focusing on the many facets of horror fiction; A favourite topic of mine, and yet most of that library has remained unread as of today.

I need to be in the right environment.

On one of my shelves there is an old collection of Hitchcock movies that I've not yet seen. Its presence on the shelve is mocking me, and yet I've decided to chip away at the Twilight Zone instead.

I need to be in the right mood.

Back in September 2021, I'd indulged into buying OMORI (2020). I'd heard good things about it and it seemed like a game perfectly fitting my interests. I've not yet installed it, always thinking that it wasn't the right time.

...It's never the right time.

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but after so many people praise a text, I feel like I should be meeting it where it's at and with an open-mind. Thus, I simply don't engage with it until...?

It's a frustrating mess. Moreover, my own awareness of my lists is also what occasionally ruins experiences for me. This constant need to compare and to judge. I shouldn't be reading an academic book since that will take far more time than if I were to read fiction. I shouldn't play a 50+ hour game, when I have so many games with a shorter run-time. Don't watch that TV-Series that'll take months of your time, when you could watch a whole movie collection instead.

These thoughts are what stops me in my tracks; What lets my hydra grow in size. Because in the end I drop it. I might end up re-reading, or re-playing something else, simply because I couldn't even decide what to focus on. I return to familiarity because I'm too frustrated to engage with anything else.

But those things only showcase one part of this fight. It explains why I tend to only chip away at these things, but not yet why my hydra keeps growing.

The two main culprits are my general curiosity, and my struggle with the fear of missing out (FOMO). There's a certain interest in staying up to date with things; And in today's day and age there'll be a lot. Constant releases, constant things to keep track of, and a near constant feeling that this would be interesting to engage with.
I cannot stop the hydra from growing. There'll always be something that will catch my eye. Something that I'd love to explore. Something that I believe to be... well, fun.

What I consider one of my best traits, really also functions as one of my worst ones.

Those lists, all those libraries I've amassed, I can't hate them completely - even if I hate how they're able to exude that overwhelming pressure. Why I feel as if this wasn't just going through a list, but me fighting my interests.

Back in 2024, when I was specifically writing about my experience with reading, I'd mentioned a similar issue - how the pressure of having to act, of having to read, lead to my dissatisfaction and lack of motivation. This is simply another way I managed to remove the fun from my hobbies.

Collecting potential, or simply hoarding?

Theoretically, nothing on any of my lists is mandatory. What's on there, be it physical or a mere note for the future is simply a reflection of what I'd like to experience and engage with. A collection of knowledge yet to learn.

This concept isn't anything new. Through the lens of books, people tend to talk about two specific terms: The Antilibrary and tsundoku.

Both terms attempt to bestow the unread library some value. The Antilibrary specifically highlights what I'd implied before: that ones physical library isn't just showcasing what they know, but also what they do not; that the unread implies a willingness to learn that isn't present when someone had truly read every book in their collection (Taleb, 2017). Tsundoku isn't quite the same, but covers similar ground. The word itself suggests the action of having purchased a book with the intention to read it, only to have left it on the shelf. I'd argue that there is no reason not to extrapolate these concepts towards other texts. There's no reason that these concepts wouldn't apply to someone's collection of video games, movies, and series. There is the same willingness present, the same with to engage, even if the text ends up unexplored on a physical or digital shelf.

Kevin Dickinson wrote quite the interesting piece on the multimedia platform Big Think about these concepts: What our shelves of unread books teach us about ourselves.

So, if the consensus even is that this beast isn't anything bad, why have I been fighting my hydra in the first place?

Partially, because I can't quite take those concepts as completely positive. I do think that those concepts have a certain worth, but I also believe that a 'purely' positive interpretation of this can lead to excuse overindulgence.

Especially in the digital age, it's really easy to amass quite the large library even on accident. Another interesting book that I'd come across while looking into this concept of the backlog and the unexplored, I'd come across a book by Amanda Cho: Weight of the Backlog: The Psychology of Unplayed Libraries and the Economics of Digital Hoarding (2026).

"Digital marketplaces offer bundles that present multiple games at a fraction of their individual costs, playing directly into consumer psychology. These sales fuel the notion of maximizing value, enticing gamers to buy titles they might never otherwise consider. [...]" (Cho, 2006)

She then argues that these larger libraries can then lead to this overwhelming sense of pressure, which can lead to "reinforcing a cycle of anxiety and self-criticism".

While Cho placed her focus on video games libraries, I'd argue that here, too, the concept can be extrapolated to encompass other forms of texts. It certainly had been one of the reasons why the hydra looming above me had grown to such a large size - the ease with which one can come across something interesting and new could be considered both a blessing and a curse.

The necessity of time and relevancy.

One aspect that I've come to realise is a major issue when trying to fight my hydra is this ever-growing feeling that I should be rushing.

It is counter to everything that I enjoy about engaging with any text, but it certainly had started to feel like a necessary sacrifice if I wanted to actually slay that hydra - to finish my lists. Do as much as possible as quickly as possible.

There had been an attempt. Though, it never got far. Mostly, because I do not enjoy binging or forcing myself through something quickly. Personally, I've come to enjoy the lingering thoughts. To take my time after having experienced a story to reminisce and to take it apart. It's why I'm still so interested in talking about Silksong; It's why there are all those tiny moments where I make note of a recent experience. If I were to immediately move on then I'd rid myself of the best part. Engagement doesn't stop after the book end was reached. It doesn't end when the credits roll.

If I wanted to slay my hydra efficiently, then I wouldn't be allowed to think through what I've experienced. I'd rid myself of my fun once again.

Interestingly, this website, too, offers another blessing and curse towards my personal conundrum. In a sense, it offers me the chance to linger - to provide me with a reason that I could use to argue for my deep dives. It's part of a literary barista's daily coffee, really!

However, engagement - on the internet - relies on relevancy. Thus, my pool of topics is suddenly limited as well as time gated. People have potentially long since moved on, while I still try and formulate and present my thesis.
It's a different sort of pressure, a different sort and wish to perform well. It's also another element that has been influencing the ways I'd attempt to fight my hydra.

My choices now not only limited by the time that I get to allocate to experiencing the text and its analysis, but also limited by its relevancy in relation to this project.

That's the origin for this article - the reason why these lists, these libraries, my hydra, has been once more so prominent within my mind; Why I've been so adamant that this was a fight...

Is it a fight worth winning?

Admittedly, I've both hated and loved engaging with my hydra. However, I've come to realise that I do not actually hate the beast - it's made of things that I've always appreciated. It is the result of my curiosity, my need to learn and engage with as much as possible (and yes... a few impulse buys); It's not something I should have come to hate.

There is nuance to be found. There is joy in the fact that the unexplored remains so tantalising; That there is something to look forward to, even if I do not know when that will be. There is still some joy when I find another interesting topic or niche to explore in the future. I'd been so distracted by the number of heads, that I hadn't taken the time to actually look at them individually - and that's a shame.

The more I thought about this, the more I've come to the conclusion that what I truly despise was the fight itself. This need to go against it. This feeling of futility and this general sense of failure as this personal beast kept growing.
The slow realisation that I'd started to only see the monstrosity, instead of its underlying beauty.

I kept thinking of this herculean task as something that I had to do - and yet it feels wrong. I'd have to stifle my curiosity! For me to win, I'd have to ignore what I enjoy most. For me to win, I'd have to stop caring...

...and wouldn't that just make the actual endeavour meaningless?
There'd be a dead body and a husk of another. The fight would be over, and nobody would be satisfied.
It's moments like these when I recall how easy it truly is to remove the fun from any hobby. It happened to me before, and looking at the current pattern... it'll happen again.

So here we are. There is this ongoing fight - I can't help it - but maybe someday I'll manage to turn this from a fight to the death towards a friendly spar. Currently, though? Currently I'm still loosing.
I don't quite mind that fact as much as I did before, though.

References:

Cho, Amanda. Weight of the Backlog: The Psychology of Unplayed Libraries and the Economics of Digital Hoarding, Epubli, 2026.

Dickinson, Kevin. "What our shelves of unread books teach us about ourselves". Big Think. Published 12 August October 2025. Accessed 01 June 2026.

"Hydra Lernaia". Theoi Classical Texts Library, www.theoi.com/Text/HomericHymns1.html. Accessed 01 June 2026.

Supergiant Games. Hades - v1.0 Launch Trailer. Published 18 August 2020. Accessed 03 June 2026.

Taleb, Nassim Nicholas. The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable. Taylor and Francis, (2017).